Dopamine – A Short Story

The first time he took the medication, he thought he was going to die.

It wasn’t too long ago that he had tried to use the kitchen knife to end his life. He had had enough of trying to fit into a world which really didn’t need someone like him. Extinguishing his life seemed like it would be for the best.

His psychiatrist had told him that he was suffering from something called clinical depression. To be honest, it was actually a relief to hear. He always thought he was either bi-polar or worse, schizophrenic. He thought he had developed a split personality and could hear voices in his head. Voices which would grow louder when he was by himself.

Being diagnosed by a woman who had been certified to basically tell people if they’re crazy or not, was kind of good news for him. That sounds odd but at least he knew he had found out what was wrong with him. Being clinically depressed basically means his own brain was fucked and could send him down a dark abyss for a couple of days with no advance warning. He could be fine one minute and then in an instant, feel like crawling underneath his bedsheets and hoping the whole world burned around him.

Yeah. It was a terrible feeling.

His psychiatrist was a woman in her 40s. He had been seeing her for the past two months. He had to go see her because he had finally cracked. Rock bottom. A couple of months ago, he had decided to open up his heart to a girl who crushed it to pieces. In hindsight, He should have been smarter. He should have paid closer attention. He let his emotions get in the way and lost sight of what was in front of him.

He got taken advantage of.

Story of his life.

But he had moved on from that episode. Well, he tried to move on but he could feel the cloud of depression hovering over him like a silent drone. He was the only one that could see it and feel its presence.

It was a dark and cruel summer to say the least.

So there he was, laying on the kitchen floor with a knife in his hand, deciding whether to end his life and leave the earth for whatever was in the afterlife. It actually felt like it had been a long time in the making. Before that he was a young boy who had lost interest in life and didn’t see his future past the age of 18. It was the same feeling of not seeing how he fit in the world. He was a loner. Odd. Different.

But you should know by now that nothing happened on that night on his kitchen floor. His life didn’t end on that night. Sometimes he wished it did.

Instead of being put in a body bad by paramedics on the way to the morgue, he was sitting on a couch in the room of a certified shrink, narrating his personal story to someone he barely knew on a personal level. It was awkward and uncomfortable at first. But after the first couple of weeks, he was telling her everything.

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Spring Break

Here is an excerpt from my memoir, The Complex Mind Of A Good Kid In A Cruel World”

Who’s Up For A Road Trip!

In Spring 2007, I went on a road trip to Miami with four of my friends. I was totally anxious when we agreed to go on this Spring Break trip. I am not the type of person who likes to go out of his comfort zone. I had barely gotten used to my Houston surroundings and now I was agreeing to go on a road trip with four other people to Miami, Florida.

But it was at this time when I felt like I was slowly coming out of my shell. My social life outside of going to class and attending the social group was basically non-existent. Going on a road trip to Miami felt like a perfect opportunity to expose myself and take risks. Get out of my comfort zone and see what else exists in this place called America.

And so it was agreed that we would rent a car, budget for fuel and motels, and set off on Sunday before the Spring Break week started. Our itinerary would include stops in New Orleans, Orlando, Miami, and on the way back, a brief stop in Alabama.

What’s the worst that could happen?

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My Second Crush (Or How I Became An Athlete Overnight)

Remember the first crush I wrote about? The girl named Michelle (Not her real name by the way). The girl who was smart and stuff and I didn’t have the guts or confidence to approach her? Well, she was old news and I found someone new to crush on.

For now, let’s call her Kay.

Kay was cute, smart and intelligent (For some reason, I keep falling for the smart girls). She had a killer smile and I loved her laugh. You would think at this point I would have mustered up enough confidence to talk to girls right? Nope! I was still in my cowardly lion phase. Still scared of the “what if” scenarios. There was no way I could approach her and just try to have a normal conversation. Plus, she was kind of super serious when it came to school. She seemed to be in her books and stuff. The impression was that she didn’t really want to be sidelined with stuff like boys or relationships. But I had to something to get her attention. I couldn’t impress her with my super smarts because honestly, she was WAY smarter than me.

Nope! I was still in my cowardly lion phase. Still scared of the “what if” scenarios. There was no way I could approach her and just try to have a normal conversation. Plus, she was kind of super serious when it came to school. She seemed to be in her books and there was this impression that she didn’t really want to be sidelined with stuff like boys or relationships. But I had to do something to get her attention. I couldn’t impress her with my super smarts because honestly, she was WAY smarter than me.

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Loyalty

Always on my mind
No longer hanging on the fence
Driving together in fast cars
I think she has me in suspense
All that I ever need
Made for each other
Throw away all the envy and jealousy
Loyal to the cause
She deserves all the medals and trophies
Throw in all the ovations and all the applause
We both go down with the ship
If it’s a shoot-out
Better trust that we both go down with empty clips
Loyalty like diamonds of the rarest kind
She’s my jade stone, she’s only my
Girls like that so hard to find
Soul so rare, it blows my mind
Down for whatever
That’s all I need
She’s my queen and that’s royalty

Creatives Are Full Of Themselves

Creatives are full of themselves
Thinking that the art that they birth into the world
can solve the suffering and pain of their fellow man
Thinking that they’re all that and a bag of chips
Not knowing we can see when their egos swell
When the applause goes up and stage lights bloom
But they’re just empty like the rest
Surrounding themselves with others like themselves
Talking creative ideas and creative things
Using their powers to make creative pieces
But outside of their creative bubble
They can’t see what they are
Individuals who think they’re woke
Because they read books and make words dance at will
Thinking they relate to the world and its pain
Trying to use technology to spread messages of love
But they can’t even save themselves
They look at you like an outsider
Someone who doesn’t speak their language in their presence
I see these cliques gather and pay no mind to their surroundings
Comforting themselves as they lay in their own depression
Trying to positive think their way out of the reality
That they constructed themselves
So I say they can go f*ck themselves and their tribe
Because I too have painted my own blood on canvases
Painting living nightmares that haunt my spirit
I too fought demons of depression and loneliness
Taking pills which took away my ability to write
Dreaming of making love to death, and dancing off into eternity
I too am alone, awake at night as the world sleeps like the dead in the grave
But I know the world is cruel as doesn’t deserve my love
Creative are full of themselves
But the world needs more of them
To keep writing pages and letters of love
Creatives maybe be full of themselves
But in them, I can see the glimmer of hope
The spark that is needed for the next generation

The Reaping

I hear the sirens in the distance
Their echoing songs play
Makes you wonder how many souls died today
On the corner stands another place of worship
Men of God reciting their daily script
When the end comes, where will they stand
Because the Reaping is coming to GH land

Black smoke hangs in the sky
The sun turning everything to haze
Past glory, this place has seen better days
The insects feast on the filth in the streets
But the people are proud, of their so called peace
Hypocrisy is full to the brim, drink as much as you can
Because the reaping is coming to Gh land

I don’t love this country,I can’t stand the scene
The people frown in frustration, masking their silent screams
Crabs in a bucket, they pull you down to their level
Saints with rusted halos, I’ve seen more honesty from the devil
Everyman for himself, prepare as much as you can
The reaping is coming to GH land

It will start in the places, where you think you’re safe
But I advice you to flee this place
Envy in their eyes, they will come for what’s yours
Not caring about the blood they spill on the floor
Prepare for the heartbreak, Prepare for the onslaught
The Reaping is coming to Ghana
Whether you like it or not

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I ran my fingers through her hair
Listening to her steady breathing as she rests my head on her chest
I wonder if she dreams of a life without me
Wondering if she realizes that my emotions take time to manifest
Will she stay or jump ship like a sailor on a sinking ship
A ship damaged from sailing to close to the rocks
Scrapping the sides and losing some of it’s precious cargo
I have nightmares of her wondering off into the night
Finding comfort in the bosom of her one true love
So I intend to grip her close because I’m selfish
Keeping her prisoner
Knowing that I can’t give her half of my heart
I run my fingers through her hair
Hoping the scent never leaves my hand
Because eventually, I know she will leave me