The first time I took my “brain” medication, I immediately felt the side effects. I felt nausea, drowsiness, increase in appetite and all that. I was finally able to go to sleep early and not spend nights awake because of insomnia.
But for the first time in a long time, it felt like I was getting better. My brain which seemed to be all over the place was calm and the “voices” had grown to a hush.
But I got concerned. I was scared that I would never get off the meds. I thought I could lose control and would depend on those pills to function “normally”. So I stopped taking them and tried other ways to get better.
I’m very independent. I don’t trust people. I have low expectations of everyone. If they exceed those expectations, that’s a plus.
My fear of trusting people is one of the reasons I don’t give them access to my feelings. I did that once before without caution and it didn’t end well. Now I’m more cautious.
I thought I could get better with people eventually. I thought I could rely on them when I needed help. They rely on me when they go through the dark tunnels of their lives. They call me up when they’re going through whatever bullshit they’re going through.
But I also go through dark tunnels of my own. I went through one yesterday. And no one was there to shine a light for me to get out. I thought I was lost. But I managed to find my way out.
It feels like there was some unspoken trust rule that was broken. I need help and these people who I had somewhat trusted and let them in, weren’t there to help. I do realize that they might always be there.
But I’m always there at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t seem fair but when I’m rationalizing, it doesn’t really seem like a big deal.
So why I do feel like they let me down…..