Leaving Earth (Rough Draft)

I was a young naive mind
Living in ignorant bliss and harmony
The world showed me its hand
My mind unravelled like string
Showing me its true nature
Laughing in my face like absurd clowns
Looking up at the sky, gazing at the stars
Reaching out, wondering why God was so far

This world made me realize
Nothing is really as its seems
Writing pages so I could escape reality
They should have told me skies would eventually fall
And the world would go black as night
Or was this another lie to hide the truth
Were we friends, or were we just pretend
Now I’m sitting alone with thoughts, hoping the world would end

Staring at my reflection, wondering if I even exist
Asking God why I feel like a piece of shit
Do you even listen when I talk to you
Or are you too busy reading your rave reviews
It was Adrina, they say she bled to death
Miles away, a baby took in its first breath
Can I unsubscribe from this damn religion
Or I am stuck in this purgatory which is my prison

Facing alternate realities
Getting drunk on bourbon street in New Orleans
Running out of downer pills
These cigarettes aren’t enough to keep me thrilled
New friends give me a glimmer of hope
Keeping me from going down this slippery slope
If they ever leave me, I wonder if I can even cope

You kissed me when I would have preferred lies
Shot love cannons at the worst target
Just to see emotions collapse in a heap
I couldn’t love her, so she had to leave
Hoping she finds someone a little less perfect than me
Baby on her lap, ring on her finger
Memories on me no longer surface and linger

In this spaceship, ready to leave it all behind
Memories of love, pain, family, and all of mankind
Do I go off with regret, not having a family who bears my name
No daughters or sons, no loving wife
Should I have indulged more in drugs and sex escapades
Given the chance, I would have asked her to stay
The countdown starts, ready to make our ascent
To me leaving earth just makes sense

Anxiety

The butterflies in my stomach were suddenly awake
Fearing danger, they fluttered around nervously
This was in response to the impending situation
Me walking towards a girl who had stolen my heart without knowing it
The voices in my head barked loudly
Each speaking of the dangers of this physical meeting
Doubt screamed the loudest
Outlining all the scenarios of how it could end badly
But my feet kept moving in her direction
As if possessed by some spiritual entity
Determined to see this through
The butterflies fluttered at a faster pace
The voice of doubt continued with its chorus
But my focus could not be swayed
I finally approached her
She turned, flashing a radiant smile like the morning sun
And greeting with a “hi” as friendly as a little child
Blood draining out of my head
As the words “hello” escaped out of my mouth
The world went black

A Lyrical Letter To My Split Personality

During the 90s, I developed my pen game
Writing rhymes and syllables, all from my membrane
Who knew depression would make me a better writer
But these battles kept me from going even higher
Dear Joe, Did I tell you that you were my hero
How you inspired me to not be a zero?
Your pen game was ill, you were ahead of the curve
Writing these wavy lyrics like you were born to surf
Killing all these concepts and stories like it was nothing
But you kept your notebooks to yourself like you were hiding something
Do you think you would have been famous if people knew your talent
Or did you hate the spotlight
Maybe playing the background kept you more balanced
I remember how you were always feeling like you were always the odd one out
But fuck that, don’t stand in when you could be the best one out
Your writing was like a therapy session
Reading all your thoughts on paper to me was a blessing
Truth be told, you were my hero and shit
When you got heartbroken, It hurt to see you go through that shit
My whole life, I had all the pain that you went through
Is it weird that we kind of live the same life and I was just like you
My own family think I’m weird, but they love me just the same
Even if society pushes my buttons like a video game
Fuck society, they never really valued what you had
The way you see you as a weirdo just makes me mad
You played the nice guy, they took advantage and left you hurt
I would give anything to see those motherfuckers face down in the dirt
A cruel world abusing a good kid, not giving a fuck
Now I have to get my hands dirty to get through the mud
I know I get angry but I’m controlling my emotions
Sometimes I see red and world goes in slow motion
Did the pills and therapy, just like all you went through
But I was happy you came out better for all you’ve been through
Keep the fight, I’m praying for you from another dimension
Maybe one day we’ll meet and form a better friendship

I Don’t Want To Die Today

The phone remains silent
I can hear the walls having quiet conversations about me
Feeling like an imposter in society
If life is precious
Then I’m a thief robbing someone else of their breath and opportunity
Does my constant flirtation with death make me pathetic
As I keep dreaming of being buried with my worries and emotions
Is it pride which keeps me from showing these scars
And exposing myself as human
Holding onto secrets I keep locked away like buried treasure
The cape I used to wear lays tattered and faded
Everyone forget that even heroes go through hurt
Maybe I’m finally out of time
Maybe my final embrace with death is near
As I feel my breath become more shallow as minutes go by
The silent phone springs to life
As a loved one tries to make contact
I loosen death’s grip and slip back to reality
Releasing tears which end droughts of depression
Breaking down through darkness into the light
I don’t want to die today
But this journey feels harder when you keep walking alone

Feel

I feel like I deserve better
I like like the world takes me for granted
Waiting for me to lie in my grave
before they throw accolades on my coffin
I feel like taking over the world
Dominating it with logic and science
And casting religion to the wayside like an ungrateful passenger
I feel like I want to have a daughter
And give her everything life deserves
Protecting her from stereotypes and misogyny
And telling her daddy is proud of whatever she does
I feel like God is disappointed with us
Looking down and wondering if he made mistakes
I feel like no one prays for me
Like I’m a distant memory
Buried in pages of ancient books
A footnote lost in time
I feel like jumping off the edge
Hoping to float quietly to the earth and be swallowed up by nature
I feel like cussing out past girlfriends for not understanding me
And Judging me for being broken and dysfunctional
I feel like sometimes it was my fault for being this way
I feel like taking a leap of faith
And telling my crush that she inspires me from a distance
But I feel like she won’t respond to my advances
I feel like this blade did not do enough damage to my wrist
I feel like a robot
Filled with 1s and 0s
Head filled with logic with no space for emotions to evolve
I feel like you some days
Some days, I feel nothing at all

Untitled

I told her I don’t believe in God
I told her I didn’t believe in this divinity that she worships
When she closes her eyes
And sends prayers to the heavens
Does she know where they go
Does she believe that a deity
Individually listens to her plea
And gives answers to other souls with similar requests
Does she believe that every triumph is because of heavenly interventions
And that every setback is caused by devilish tricks
Does she think that every temptation is from whispers of a demon
And not of her own mind
When she quotes verses from an ancient book
Written by men from aeons ago
Does she take in every word like a naive student
I told her I don’t believe in God
The logic does not compute
Or am I the one living the lie
Trapped in this simulation of life
Tricked by forces I cannot see
Or is she the fool
Looking for hope which does not exist
Trying to give love
Which cannot be returned

Fear

I tried to write my unborn daughter a letter
A letter full of hope and admiration
But the inspiration dwindled like a failing candle
As the darkness flooded my perception
I tried to seek counselling from the people who to talk to God
They tried to charge me for their services
So I went directly to the source to air my grievances
Hand stretched out, waiting for rain in the dry desert
Harsh reality
I took the pain I acquired from this cruel world
And exposed it on A4 paper and laptops
In the form of written words and soliloquies
The tears came afterwards
The heavens remained silent
So was I cursed or blessed
When my unborn daughter entered my reality
In my arms, a symbol of pure innocence and joy
But I realised even my brain was the enemy
As I woke up in my bed, surrounded by emptiness