Leaving Earth (Rough Draft)

I was a young naive mind
Living in ignorant bliss and harmony
The world showed me its hand
My mind unravelled like string
Showing me its true nature
Laughing in my face like absurd clowns
Looking up at the sky, gazing at the stars
Reaching out, wondering why God was so far

This world made me realize
Nothing is really as its seems
Writing pages so I could escape reality
They should have told me skies would eventually fall
And the world would go black as night
Or was this another lie to hide the truth
Were we friends, or were we just pretend
Now I’m sitting alone with thoughts, hoping the world would end

Staring at my reflection, wondering if I even exist
Asking God why I feel like a piece of shit
Do you even listen when I talk to you
Or are you too busy reading your rave reviews
It was Adrina, they say she bled to death
Miles away, a baby took in its first breath
Can I unsubscribe from this damn religion
Or I am stuck in this purgatory which is my prison

Facing alternate realities
Getting drunk on bourbon street in New Orleans
Running out of downer pills
These cigarettes aren’t enough to keep me thrilled
New friends give me a glimmer of hope
Keeping me from going down this slippery slope
If they ever leave me, I wonder if I can even cope

You kissed me when I would have preferred lies
Shot love cannons at the worst target
Just to see emotions collapse in a heap
I couldn’t love her, so she had to leave
Hoping she finds someone a little less perfect than me
Baby on her lap, ring on her finger
Memories on me no longer surface and linger

In this spaceship, ready to leave it all behind
Memories of love, pain, family, and all of mankind
Do I go off with regret, not having a family who bears my name
No daughters or sons, no loving wife
Should I have indulged more in drugs and sex escapades
Given the chance, I would have asked her to stay
The countdown starts, ready to make our ascent
To me leaving earth just makes sense

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I Don’t Want To Die Today

The phone remains silent
I can hear the walls having quiet conversations about me
Feeling like an imposter in society
If life is precious
Then I’m a thief robbing someone else of their breath and opportunity
Does my constant flirtation with death make me pathetic
As I keep dreaming of being buried with my worries and emotions
Is it pride which keeps me from showing these scars
And exposing myself as human
Holding onto secrets I keep locked away like buried treasure
The cape I used to wear lays tattered and faded
Everyone forget that even heroes go through hurt
Maybe I’m finally out of time
Maybe my final embrace with death is near
As I feel my breath become more shallow as minutes go by
The silent phone springs to life
As a loved one tries to make contact
I loosen death’s grip and slip back to reality
Releasing tears which end droughts of depression
Breaking down through darkness into the light
I don’t want to die today
But this journey feels harder when you keep walking alone

Untitled

I told her I don’t believe in God
I told her I didn’t believe in this divinity that she worships
When she closes her eyes
And sends prayers to the heavens
Does she know where they go
Does she believe that a deity
Individually listens to her plea
And gives answers to other souls with similar requests
Does she believe that every triumph is because of heavenly interventions
And that every setback is caused by devilish tricks
Does she think that every temptation is from whispers of a demon
And not of her own mind
When she quotes verses from an ancient book
Written by men from aeons ago
Does she take in every word like a naive student
I told her I don’t believe in God
The logic does not compute
Or am I the one living the lie
Trapped in this simulation of life
Tricked by forces I cannot see
Or is she the fool
Looking for hope which does not exist
Trying to give love
Which cannot be returned

Fear

I tried to write my unborn daughter a letter
A letter full of hope and admiration
But the inspiration dwindled like a failing candle
As the darkness flooded my perception
I tried to seek counselling from the people who to talk to God
They tried to charge me for their services
So I went directly to the source to air my grievances
Hand stretched out, waiting for rain in the dry desert
Harsh reality
I took the pain I acquired from this cruel world
And exposed it on A4 paper and laptops
In the form of written words and soliloquies
The tears came afterwards
The heavens remained silent
So was I cursed or blessed
When my unborn daughter entered my reality
In my arms, a symbol of pure innocence and joy
But I realised even my brain was the enemy
As I woke up in my bed, surrounded by emptiness

You Lost Me

Stereotypes and first impressions
Judging me off these can lead to bad receptions
Sleep is the last thing on my mind
Cuddling with insomnia like it’s my only lover
Reminiscing about my past
Thinking along the way how I lost lovers
When she kissed me, did she taste my dreams
and swallow sadness?
Wondering how people could love someone at the edge of madness
Falling in love should be a crime
And I’m scared to do the time
A broken heart is a hefty price
So I rather avoid the fine
Days I go cold hearted
Days I’m overwhelmed with emotions
Mood swings come with personality disorders
Holding myself back just to fit in with my peers
I whisper my accomplishments but scream about my fears
Sick of being misunderstood
Misplacing my emotions
Deserving of more but I keep asking for less
How do stand tall but keep selling myself short
Absorbing all the stress
Friends never seem to show up when you need them
But they come looking for handouts when it’s convenient
That’s why my circle is tighter than clenched fists
Wondering if the girl I’m fascinated with even knows I exist
Who knew back in the day I could even write my this
Bleeding ink on paper
Exposing my demons with syllables and words
They lost me at 16, never had closure
Me, Myself and I carrying big dreams on my shoulder
Almost lost me at 24 but I made peace with my demons
I’m flying low on your radar
Flying through storm clouds and strong winds
It’s such a shame
It looks like you’re losing me again

Voices In My Head

My split personality is a not a fan of my psychiatrist
He mumbles and mutters
as she scribbles in her prescription pad
A solution to remove the voices in my head
Who all disapprove, voicing displeasure
But their loud echoes reduce to whispers
As I consume this oval composition of chemicals
With names I cannot pronounce
These pills take away suicidal tendencies
And social anxieties
Making me dream of colors I can taste
But taking away emotions that make me feel human
The voices in my head
Gagged, with no chance to speak
Pushed to the darkest of places
Where they are confined like prisoners
As I wear this mask of normalcy on the outside
Wearing smiles I do not recognize in the mirror
Hiding my guilt
Hiding my shame
Retracting emotions to conceal the pain
Then I hear a voice in my head, speak out in desperation
Asking a question, which I find so profound
Asking me, are you happy now….