Tattoo

When the needle hit the skin
It was like I was stung by a hot pin
The ink made its way into my body
following a path outlined by the artist
Anxiety came up, asking if this was a bad decision
Questioning my actions like a disappointed mother
The needle continued its journey
My body forcing to relax as it tried to accept this willful torture
Out of my comfort zone
Making decisions out of feelings and dismissing logic
I needed a symbol to remind me of constant struggle
Something to make permanent
A statement that I had lived this far and not given up
Because I have been searching for purpose in a clueless realm
Searching for peace amidst chaos
Looking for love with a full heart
But now I am lost and misunderstood
So when the ink dries off and my body readjusts
I can look at that permanent mark to remind me
that in the end
I’m just a human being searching for serenity

Leaving Earth (Rough Draft)

I was a young naive mind
Living in ignorant bliss and harmony
The world showed me its hand
My mind unravelled like string
Showing me its true nature
Laughing in my face like absurd clowns
Looking up at the sky, gazing at the stars
Reaching out, wondering why God was so far

This world made me realize
Nothing is really as its seems
Writing pages so I could escape reality
They should have told me skies would eventually fall
And the world would go black as night
Or was this another lie to hide the truth
Were we friends, or were we just pretend
Now I’m sitting alone with thoughts, hoping the world would end

Staring at my reflection, wondering if I even exist
Asking God why I feel like a piece of shit
Do you even listen when I talk to you
Or are you too busy reading your rave reviews
It was Adrina, they say she bled to death
Miles away, a baby took in its first breath
Can I unsubscribe from this damn religion
Or I am stuck in this purgatory which is my prison

Facing alternate realities
Getting drunk on bourbon street in New Orleans
Running out of downer pills
These cigarettes aren’t enough to keep me thrilled
New friends give me a glimmer of hope
Keeping me from going down this slippery slope
If they ever leave me, I wonder if I can even cope

You kissed me when I would have preferred lies
Shot love cannons at the worst target
Just to see emotions collapse in a heap
I couldn’t love her, so she had to leave
Hoping she finds someone a little less perfect than me
Baby on her lap, ring on her finger
Memories on me no longer surface and linger

In this spaceship, ready to leave it all behind
Memories of love, pain, family, and all of mankind
Do I go off with regret, not having a family who bears my name
No daughters or sons, no loving wife
Should I have indulged more in drugs and sex escapades
Given the chance, I would have asked her to stay
The countdown starts, ready to make our ascent
To me leaving earth just makes sense

Anxiety

The butterflies in my stomach were suddenly awake
Fearing danger, they fluttered around nervously
This was in response to the impending situation
Me walking towards a girl who had stolen my heart without knowing it
The voices in my head barked loudly
Each speaking of the dangers of this physical meeting
Doubt screamed the loudest
Outlining all the scenarios of how it could end badly
But my feet kept moving in her direction
As if possessed by some spiritual entity
Determined to see this through
The butterflies fluttered at a faster pace
The voice of doubt continued with its chorus
But my focus could not be swayed
I finally approached her
She turned, flashing a radiant smile like the morning sun
And greeting with a “hi” as friendly as a little child
Blood draining out of my head
As the words “hello” escaped out of my mouth
The world went black

Feel

I feel like I deserve better
I like like the world takes me for granted
Waiting for me to lie in my grave
before they throw accolades on my coffin
I feel like taking over the world
Dominating it with logic and science
And casting religion to the wayside like an ungrateful passenger
I feel like I want to have a daughter
And give her everything life deserves
Protecting her from stereotypes and misogyny
And telling her daddy is proud of whatever she does
I feel like God is disappointed with us
Looking down and wondering if he made mistakes
I feel like no one prays for me
Like I’m a distant memory
Buried in pages of ancient books
A footnote lost in time
I feel like jumping off the edge
Hoping to float quietly to the earth and be swallowed up by nature
I feel like cussing out past girlfriends for not understanding me
And Judging me for being broken and dysfunctional
I feel like sometimes it was my fault for being this way
I feel like taking a leap of faith
And telling my crush that she inspires me from a distance
But I feel like she won’t respond to my advances
I feel like this blade did not do enough damage to my wrist
I feel like a robot
Filled with 1s and 0s
Head filled with logic with no space for emotions to evolve
I feel like you some days
Some days, I feel nothing at all

Untitled

I told her I don’t believe in God
I told her I didn’t believe in this divinity that she worships
When she closes her eyes
And sends prayers to the heavens
Does she know where they go
Does she believe that a deity
Individually listens to her plea
And gives answers to other souls with similar requests
Does she believe that every triumph is because of heavenly interventions
And that every setback is caused by devilish tricks
Does she think that every temptation is from whispers of a demon
And not of her own mind
When she quotes verses from an ancient book
Written by men from aeons ago
Does she take in every word like a naive student
I told her I don’t believe in God
The logic does not compute
Or am I the one living the lie
Trapped in this simulation of life
Tricked by forces I cannot see
Or is she the fool
Looking for hope which does not exist
Trying to give love
Which cannot be returned

Skin

When she touches me for the first time, my body reflexes
Defense walls had to be repaired after the last intrusion
Months of repairs and reconstruction
So when she touched me, alarms went off and safeguards were activated
Emotions were escorted to safe zones for protection
My exterior was ready for damage
Preparing for the worse
Unable to absorb emotions like young lovers
Without painful memories of previous wars
But I realize she fought battles of her own
And when I touch her skin
She has flashbacks of previous conflicts
So I allow her to touch me
And I slowly reveal the weakness in my armor
Allowing her to see battle scars in my heart
Hoping she also reveals the battle tags from the wars she fought

Another Castle

Am I broken because I can’t say “I love you”?
Does my pursuit of knowledge hinder my emotions
Do you find it odd that I keep my emotions locked up
Like hidden treasure
Waiting for an adventurer with a magic key to unlock my emotional secrets
But will this hero only find a message in an empty chamber
The message saying “I’m sorry”
“But the love you are looking for is in an another castle”