I was a young naive mind
Living in ignorant bliss and harmony
The world showed me its hand
My mind unravelled like string
Showing me its true nature
Laughing in my face like absurd clowns
Looking up at the sky, gazing at the stars
Reaching out, wondering why God was so far
This world made me realize
Nothing is really as its seems
Writing pages so I could escape reality
They should have told me skies would eventually fall
And the world would go black as night
Or was this another lie to hide the truth
Were we friends, or were we just pretend
Now I’m sitting alone with thoughts, hoping the world would end
Staring at my reflection, wondering if I even exist
Asking God why I feel like a piece of shit
Do you even listen when I talk to you
Or are you too busy reading your rave reviews
It was Adrina, they say she bled to death
Miles away, a baby took in its first breath
Can I unsubscribe from this damn religion
Or I am stuck in this purgatory which is my prison
Facing alternate realities
Getting drunk on bourbon street in New Orleans
Running out of downer pills
These cigarettes aren’t enough to keep me thrilled
New friends give me a glimmer of hope
Keeping me from going down this slippery slope
If they ever leave me, I wonder if I can even cope
You kissed me when I would have preferred lies
Shot love cannons at the worst target
Just to see emotions collapse in a heap
I couldn’t love her, so she had to leave
Hoping she finds someone a little less perfect than me
Baby on her lap, ring on her finger
Memories on me no longer surface and linger
In this spaceship, ready to leave it all behind
Memories of love, pain, family, and all of mankind
Do I go off with regret, not having a family who bears my name
No daughters or sons, no loving wife
Should I have indulged more in drugs and sex escapades
Given the chance, I would have asked her to stay
The countdown starts, ready to make our ascent
To me leaving earth just makes sense
I feel like I deserve better
I like like the world takes me for granted
Waiting for me to lie in my grave
before they throw accolades on my coffin
I feel like taking over the world
Dominating it with logic and science
And casting religion to the wayside like an ungrateful passenger
I feel like I want to have a daughter
And give her everything life deserves
Protecting her from stereotypes and misogyny
And telling her daddy is proud of whatever she does
I feel like God is disappointed with us
Looking down and wondering if he made mistakes
I feel like no one prays for me
Like I’m a distant memory
Buried in pages of ancient books
A footnote lost in time
I feel like jumping off the edge
Hoping to float quietly to the earth and be swallowed up by nature
I feel like cussing out past girlfriends for not understanding me
And Judging me for being broken and dysfunctional
I feel like sometimes it was my fault for being this way
I feel like taking a leap of faith
And telling my crush that she inspires me from a distance
But I feel like she won’t respond to my advances
I feel like this blade did not do enough damage to my wrist
I feel like a robot
Filled with 1s and 0s
Head filled with logic with no space for emotions to evolve
I feel like you some days
Some days, I feel nothing at all
It all feels like a test.
It all sounds like repetition.
I don’t know when it all changed. Sometimes I think I got corrupted. Like a virus infected my internal systems.
But logic can’t be corrupted. It’s all common sense.
It’s now a battle of internal morals versus logic.
My belief is not shaken but my vision is definitely different. I see everything different. My views have changed. I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who’s changed. Everybody else has the same view.
It all feels like a test.
A test of humanity. Can we throw aside our programmed opinions and just look at things with a different views?
I see hypocrisy. He stands at the top preaching morality but he’s also corrupted. I can’t respect that. It’s the future but his teachings are stuck in the past. I don’t see humility.
What am I to believe anymore…I’m conflicted.
I haven’t changed myself. I’m still the same. But it’s hard to keep this religion. Why must this religion barrier exist… It’s not helping.